By Theresa Anthony, author of In Search of Gopher Hollow
This year marked ten whole years since my Chapter-From-Hell, that sorrowful time in my life when I lost two very precious people, back-to-back – first my son followed closely by my fella. Back in those early days of intense mourning and grief, I honestly couldn’t imagine surviving a year, much less ten years. But isn’t it wonderful how powerful our minds are that we are able to literally will ourselves to carry on.
Personally, I have to come clean and flat out admit that this was a mighty challenging task for me. Oh, how I struggled to find that mythical inner strength we all hear about. The fact is, I much preferred curling up in the fetal position and staring at the ceiling than trying to be some kind of grief heroine.
But thanks to some random genetic gift embedded in my personality, and to frankly getting bored with my ceiling, I managed to plumb the depths and eventually relocate my innate tendency towards positivity. Sure, it was buried under a thick layer of grief, but found it I did.
It took a couple of years, but eventually I started resembling a living creature again, someone that still had the ability to smile and laugh and sing and dance. I remember feeling guilty at first, once I started noticing the shift from negative to positive. Is it even appropriate for me to experience joy after having lost my precious son and the love of my life, I wondered?
I cut myself some slack, reminding myself that the joyful moments I’d randomly experience were not really all that authentic. Under the thin veneer of a smile lay a devastated heart that would never be the same. But I decided that both of my lost loved ones would want me to nurture my sunny nature back to life.
And so, I did.
So, with the luxury of hindsight, I thought maybe I could lend some helpful tips to others who are experiencing loss and sorrow. If I was able to drag my positive attitude out of the mothballs, so can you. Here is what helped me:
· Nurturing my faith. I realize that everyone has their own personal opinions on the subject of spirituality and faith, but in my case it was my Catholic faith that carried me through some very dark times. I literally clung to Jesus for dear life. In time, I slowly added new layers to my faith walk by committing to reading scripture and devotionals every morning, and then joining a women’s group at church.
· Enjoying the gifts of nature. It’s hard to articulate with words the effect that nature has on my soul, but it is profound. Whether it is standing at the shore watching the sun setting over the ocean, hiking through the beautiful hills, growing flowers from seeds, or listening to the birds sing, nature always brings a sense of wonder and positivity to my soul.
· Making memories with my grandkids. I honestly don’t know how I would have made my way out of that dark period without my grandchildren. Back then, I had two grandkids who I was so blessed to have living close by. We enjoyed so many fun outings together year after year, and this fed me like little else could. Since then, I have been blessed with two more beautiful grandchildren, so I am still making wonderful memories on a regular basis.
· Rediscovering the activities that bring me joy. As I slowly emerged from my funk, I began to realize how much I needed to dance again, to sing again. I discovered Zumba in 2016 and have been dancing ever since, grinning from ear to ear as I sashay across the floor to the beat. I also joined a community choir, and even if my voice ain’t what it used to be I am truly enjoying singing with a group again. I also catch live music shows as often as my calendar allows.
· Being productive. I believe that staying busy and productive has been a lifesaver for me. In 2015, I launched two small businesses that I continue to operate. My writing business keeps me busy creating monthly content for several clients – plus I have authored three books. My Etsy shop, where I sell my handmade jewelry and décor items, is an outlet for my creative side.
· Lending my support to others. Just as I was aided by the support of several other grieving moms during those early years, I am now able to provide similar support to others. Once you have experienced tragedy like I have, you have a choice… to marinate in your own grief or to find a way to use your experience to help someone else in theirs.
· Staying active. Looking back, I am a little shocked that I never really stopped taking care of myself. Even while in the depths of despair, I forced myself to walk my dog and even get to the gym a couple of times a week. Again, this must be some innate survival instinct I have built into my psyche, but I am very grateful for it. Exercise is as good for your mental health as it is for your physical health and has kept me strong.
· Connecting with friends. You never realize how much you need your girlfriends until that day when the ground literally crumbles beneath your feet. My friends were, and still are, my refuge, helping me through the worst things that could happen to a person. They stood with me through it all, offering their unconditional love and unfailing support, and never ever uttered that insipid question, “Isn’t it time for you to move on now?”
My journey back to being a fully functioning human being was definitely not on the fast track. It took years for my smile to feel genuine, for my laughter to not feel forced.
Resurrecting a positive mindset is not a one-off, but an ongoing process – and believe me, there are days when I don’t feel one bit positive at all. It happens. But, fellow grievers, never every give up looking for that spark of positivity that still lurks deep within. I know you will find yours, too.
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